PHILADELPHIA- In a medical breakthrough that should come as welcome news for millions of at risk Americans, University of Pennsylvania cardiologists announced Tuesday that taking one aspirin tablet and a fifth of bourbon daily can “significantly reduce” an individual’s awareness of heart attacks.
“This study represents a major victory in the fight against heart disease, America’s number-one killer,” said Dr. Arthur Katzeff, head of the University of Pennsylvania team. “Each year, more than two million Americans clutch their chests in terror and exclaim, ‘Jesus Christ! I’m having a fucking heart attack!’ With this revolutionary new aspirin-bourbon treatment, however, such fully conscious incidents of cardiac arrest may soon be a thing of the past.”
According to Katzeff, test subjects who were administered a single aspirin in the morning, followed by a fifth of bonded Kentucky bourbon over the next several hours, were 85 percent less likely to realize that they were having a heart attack than those who did not take the aspirin with bourbon.
Americans are excited about the findings. “My four heart attacks have all been hellish, “ said Ronald Diering, and Evansville, IN, auto mechanic. “I was aware of everything that was happening, and I was gripped by the fear that I was going to die. But with this new aspirin-bourbon treatment, future heart attacks should be much less traumatic.”
“Who wants to spend what could be their last moments on Earth in terror?” asked Alex Broadhurst of San Jose, CA. “Better to enjoy another swig of bourbon and lie on the floor waiting for the ambulance to show up!”
University of Pennsylvania researchers said individuals who take aspirin and bourbon in the prevention of heart attack awareness may experience certain side effects, including slurred speech, euphoria, diminished inhibition, impaired vision, and vomiting.
Upon waking from a heart attack, researchers said, there is also a chance of experiencing “a wicked hangover.” In such cases, individuals are strongly advised to avoid bright lights and loud noises, and not move around too much.